Activate~

DEACTIVATION…

It all sounds so…final…*Bum, Bum, Bum!!!* So very “CIA” / espionage-esque…I dunno. But what I DO know, is that this special agent is overwhelmed, and is looking for the words to describe what she is feeling. Heck, she would even be happy to know what her real name is! All she knows lately is her calling card from this crazy online world where they speak in terms of “spyspeak”.…”That’s Miller…Andy Miller”…and I am shaken AND stirred as of late it seems. So, that would make me Agent 00something…but what?

As I glanced at the Facebook page, with the glaring option to “Deactivate” staring me down….another D-word came to mind. DRAMA. I’ve realized that, in the midst of this self-exploration (and * not so * quarter-life crisis season of life)…I have grown an appendage. I now have two “faces” in my life. One physical, which (apparently) can be read like a book (often causing embarrassment to no end, and not to mention making me a complete liability at the poker table!), and the other, an inanimate, glamorously glittering movie-star status mugg…a countenance I can best only describe as an “online airport” of sorts (people-watching to no end)…pun intended~

Now, I don’t know about you, but I was taught in grade school (mostly out in the schoolyard….during recess…from much bigger/ older children…by a soaking wet swirlie…a wedgie…a swift kick in the pants…or a pride-stinging slap) that being two-faced was NOT something desirable. Hence, my dilemma. What to do with this new limb?

Is it something that can only be survived by completely severing its presence? I tried this…and was left feeling legless…disconnected from my body…limping along. The “amputation” left me feeling as if I was lagging behind my peers. Worried that I would be disqualified from the race because I was not registered as an “official” runner…with a number on my back...or was that an official page? (I digress.)

I had to come away….and yes, it is extreme, this deactivation. But sometimes I find it necessary..because then it allows me to extremely delve into WHAT it was in the first place giving me the idea that I needed a break….WHAT was so overwhelming to me? With facebook, there are so many things I could pinpoint. Do not get me wrong…I find it neither evil nor good as an entity unto itself. It just “is.” Much of Facebook’s power, I am realizing, lies in what it becomes (or is allowed to become).

It can become the black hole…a vortex of swirling, mixed messages coming at us from all angles…offering many things, yet most of which come up empty. Since this is a blog with which I have promised to use myself as the main fodder…I will only speak for myself (no judgments or projections upon anyone but this 00something). What began to bother me most was that I found myself coming home each day, and the very first thing I checked was my page. I would rush to the notifications and the messages, the little child inside begging the question…*who loves me?* and *someone message me some small encouragement, telling me it is all going to be okay…assuring me that I am going to be okay!*

For one inanimate object (my little trusty laptop) to have so much power (real or created) is no longer acceptable to me. For me to be (either) validated—or completely deflated….based on the mere presence (or absence) of a tiny little red flag at the top of a blinking *bleepin’ * screen, is self-defeating and masochistic. I need to no longer run home asking the question: “Who loves me?” and "Will I be okay?" but rather carry around with me always the answer: I love me...and I am better than okay.

So, now for the hard part…working on that answer….everyday…more and more.

Activate.

Year of Jubilee~

She is a simply complicated girl.

Fearless. Headstrong. Crown full of curls.

Gilded, golden, with violet hues

Timid, Fragile. This Maker’s muse.

Reigning, rule-ridden, o’er this dichotomy:

Soul’s royalty. Mind and Body’s peasantry.

Daily seeking guidance, this princess will be.

Neither black nor white…mais non, elle est gris~

Maintenant, as this little one sees and is seen.

The world wakens to life…thrives with green.

The newness, the wholeness, this birth’s beginning

Ushers forth such seasons of healing.

Woman-child…you are an intricate maze to decipher.

Breathtaking beauty traces your lines and letters.

What words shall you form, among this sea?

This ocean of life, your year of jubilee?

Labels~

Labels. They share information. They indicate things—things like how much something costs (or better yet, how much we paid for it). Sometimes they provide the consumer with further instructions or directions as to how to proceed with the product to which the label is attached.

For instance, in a nutrition label…the 8 MILLION grams of caffeine in my serving of soda * may * suggest to me, ever so gently, that I might not need TWO of them…that is, if I ever want to see the back of my eyelids again. Similarly, the label placed on the pack of cigarettes purchased at the corner market serves as a disclaimer, warning those that may not be aware, that there are health risks involved in the usage of the product they are about to buy. Clothing labels are particularly intriguing to me, I must admit. Designer jeans and outfits apparently have labels whose value (yes, those teeny, tiny, few small square inches of fabric) apparently surpass the monetary worth of the entire material mass to which they adhere. At least in America the BEAUTIFUL~

Labels posted on the back of ANYTHING purchased from Home Depot or Radio Shack (yes, and any of those other stores that sell products that * gasp * expect us to put something together) …I will pause a moment to allow a collective group shared moment—a celebration and awareness of the unity brought upon us as we think of how we all share that foreshadowed frustration when the label “Assembly Required” is read….* shared shudder *~

As well as products, I am realizing more and more how “labels” are also assigned to people. Sometimes the individuals attach themselves with a certain branding—sports stars crown themselves with glorious nicknames and monikers, announcing their awesomeness to all. Couples are known to the rest of the world as, “married” “divorced” “engaged” “courting” “separated” “dating” “talking” “texting,” or “INSERT OTHER CREATIVE DESCRIPTION OF ATTRACTION HERE_______.” * Oh, the drama—the angst!…and yes, such a large spectrum to measure the sliding scale(s) of togetherness *~

We have labels indicating (or so it may seem) who we are…and by this, I mean, our professions…doctors, lawyers, policemen, teachers, mothers. Our preference of partners also assigns us a tag—gay, homosexual, heterosexual, bi-sexual * and for one particular season of my life, I vaguely recall believing that ASEXUAL should be among these as well…) yeah…some of you know what I’m talkin’ bout~

As I ponder the concept of labels...thinking of my own and those I see most closely surrounding me, I often ask if they are necessarily good or bad. Or does it depend on the context(s) or connotation(s) of the label(s)? I am unsure as of yet as to my exact answer, even…I am pondering. But I am intrigued nonetheless…and I do believe it is a question worthy of seeking answer(s).

Oh labels! How I am fascinated by all that you say…but more, even, perhaps by what you do not~

Word(s)! *to your mother, your sister, your grandpappy...whomever*...

It is the New Year. The time of resolutions, new beginnings and hopefulness for the future. I've discovered that (as I have been asked for the umpteenth time what my New Year's resolutions are) I tend to find this time of year somewhat ridiculous and tedious. I think mainly it is because *I will speak only for myself here* there are such overwhelming expectations connected to this "holiday" of ours. I almost feel like I am being lassoed with my own personal albatross...a Frankenstein of my own creation...rebirthed (or re-invented?) each and every year.

This morning, I am awake early and thinking of an amazing conversation I had with a co-worker just yesterday. What beautiful truths and illuminating insights can spring forth from such simple interchanges~ My co-worker and I were talking as I came into work about how our New Year was going, etc... She was making a comment about my hair *I most recently whacked it all almost entirely off...I remind myself presently of a baby bird with its newborn downy fuzz* She said that she liked it...and that I can always grow it out...but that for this season of my life I can "be a pixie"....and then later when it grows I can "be something else." I got to thinking about this, and for some reason, I was really bothered by it. Not bothered by my co-worker...but more about *again* the semantics of it all. I wanted to say to her, "What if I just want to 'be' ME?" Long hair, short hair...whatever...

Later in the day, I approached another co-worker and was talking with her...she was asking about my hair *are you sensing it is a big change, yet?* and the reasonings behind it....whether it was for New Year's, or if I just needed a change, etc... and I began explaining (as much as I even knew!) my "why's". I talked about simplification, seeking lightness, being unencumbered *yes, still talking about hair*...and mid-sentence I realized I did it because I COULD. And I didn't even need a damn reason why! Randomly, I immediately thought about my return to veganism...nine years strong before. I told her how I really missed sushi *random* and she said, "Oh, well you can switch back and forth between being a vegetarian, and then being a vegan, and even a carnivore Andy"...and again, I thought with rising panic and frustration..."WHAT IF I JUST 'BE' ME???" and eat...FOOD? Earth shattering profound logic, I tell you~

I then just opened up like a floodgate...all these truths coming through...we talked about health, and resolutions people make to go on diets and fitness plans and "stopping this or that" and "beginning these things." "Becoming" thinner, better (or in Hawaii we say "mo' bettah"), faster, richer,--MORE....LESS....it is exhausting to even think about.

This year I have no resolutions...not one stinkin' one. Well, maybe just one...I will not focus on making myself anything this year--not better--not stronger--not wiser. I will simply be. I will "be" good....and because of this, I will "be good."