Word(s)! *to your mother, your sister, your grandpappy...whomever*...

It is the New Year. The time of resolutions, new beginnings and hopefulness for the future. I've discovered that (as I have been asked for the umpteenth time what my New Year's resolutions are) I tend to find this time of year somewhat ridiculous and tedious. I think mainly it is because *I will speak only for myself here* there are such overwhelming expectations connected to this "holiday" of ours. I almost feel like I am being lassoed with my own personal albatross...a Frankenstein of my own creation...rebirthed (or re-invented?) each and every year.

This morning, I am awake early and thinking of an amazing conversation I had with a co-worker just yesterday. What beautiful truths and illuminating insights can spring forth from such simple interchanges~ My co-worker and I were talking as I came into work about how our New Year was going, etc... She was making a comment about my hair *I most recently whacked it all almost entirely off...I remind myself presently of a baby bird with its newborn downy fuzz* She said that she liked it...and that I can always grow it out...but that for this season of my life I can "be a pixie"....and then later when it grows I can "be something else." I got to thinking about this, and for some reason, I was really bothered by it. Not bothered by my co-worker...but more about *again* the semantics of it all. I wanted to say to her, "What if I just want to 'be' ME?" Long hair, short hair...whatever...

Later in the day, I approached another co-worker and was talking with her...she was asking about my hair *are you sensing it is a big change, yet?* and the reasonings behind it....whether it was for New Year's, or if I just needed a change, etc... and I began explaining (as much as I even knew!) my "why's". I talked about simplification, seeking lightness, being unencumbered *yes, still talking about hair*...and mid-sentence I realized I did it because I COULD. And I didn't even need a damn reason why! Randomly, I immediately thought about my return to veganism...nine years strong before. I told her how I really missed sushi *random* and she said, "Oh, well you can switch back and forth between being a vegetarian, and then being a vegan, and even a carnivore Andy"...and again, I thought with rising panic and frustration..."WHAT IF I JUST 'BE' ME???" and eat...FOOD? Earth shattering profound logic, I tell you~

I then just opened up like a floodgate...all these truths coming through...we talked about health, and resolutions people make to go on diets and fitness plans and "stopping this or that" and "beginning these things." "Becoming" thinner, better (or in Hawaii we say "mo' bettah"), faster, richer,--MORE....LESS....it is exhausting to even think about.

This year I have no resolutions...not one stinkin' one. Well, maybe just one...I will not focus on making myself anything this year--not better--not stronger--not wiser. I will simply be. I will "be" good....and because of this, I will "be good."

All Clear~

Oh, this morning! Oh, this morning!

I woke up with the sun. "Merry Christmas!" was on my lips and a smile adorned my cheeks. *Cue crashing realization that I, indeed, was scheduled to work today.* --Shoulders Sag--Audible Sigh (okay, maybe it was more like an agonized groan)--Hands on Hip--and yes, there was also one (or two?) stamped feet. Oh, this Morning! Ugh, this morning!

As I scanned the room, what would catch my eye but my Ziploc full o' zazzle! I clutched desperately for the small pouch of glitter (the one that I keep on hand for such times as this....you know, those dire emergencies...) Oh, salvation of sparkle! --Do please redeem my bad attitude from this pit of self pity~ (And it did!) I decided to take it one step further and go all out (none of you should be surprised by this one bit), as I rocked the festive green and gold glitter tagteam today....so I pretty much (if we are using our imaginations--having the red hair, coupled with the green and gold glow--was my own friggin' Christmas ornament!) Oh, this morning! Glow, this morning!

At work the patrons were in full holiday spirit. The families file through the gallery...fathers holding their children's hands, babies clutching their mothers and napping in their strollers. All are jolly and bright, out and about after a sweet time of togetherness unwrapping gifts, reading the Christmas story and discovering who Santa deemed "good" this year. The gush of good spirits is overwhelming, rushing over me like a tidal wave. It is beautiful to see. It is painful to feel. Oh, this Morning. Alone, This morning.

I could sense tiny tears pooling at the corners of my eyes. I quickly reached up to paw away the proof of my self-indulgent "sorrow." As I looked down at my hands again, I see I have smudged my glitter....I was covered in resplendent sparkles, but all I could see was green. Oh, this Morning. Low, this morning.

I asked myself if I was indeed, my own little version of the "green eyed monster"...was it jealousy that was presently creeping its way in and blackening my heart? Not exactly....but I wanted to place what was bothering me. I was not begrudging of the people their time shared in rest and vacation with their families and loved ones, nor was I angered by the fact that I was having to work on Christmas day. No, I realized that what I was envious of, was that all of those people coming through those doors, once they bought their pastries and drinks, would make their way home together. For the first time this day I realized that the sights and sounds that were assaulting my eyes were not the people themselves, but rather what they symbolized to my heart....*home.* I looked around at the girls I work with--the fatigue that furrowed each brow--the frustration of finding themselves taken away from loved ones in order to serve strangers--yet, simultaneously, upon closer examination, I also witnessed the team effort and human spirit that rallied as each sought to stave off the spirit of negativity in order to bless and love all who entered in to their small sphere of influence. I saw in this moment, that we were all in this together...and that joy and peace was *and had to be* within each of us. Oh, this morning. Home, this morning.

I left work and got to my apartment. It had been a long day...yet a good one. I walked into the bathroom and turned on the faucet. I bent my face towards the water and felt its cool, cleansing kiss upon my cheeks. As it washed over me, I opened my eyes to watch as the swirling green remnants disappeared. I willed myself to continue my gaze until the all the green was gone...