It all sounds so…final…*Bum, Bum, Bum!!!* So very “CIA” / espionage-esque…I dunno. But what I DO know, is that this special agent is overwhelmed, and is looking for the words to describe what she is feeling. Heck, she would even be happy to know what her real name is! All she knows lately is her calling card from this crazy online world where they speak in terms of “spyspeak”.…”That’s Miller…Andy Miller”…and I am shaken AND stirred as of late it seems. So, that would make me Agent 00something…but what?
As I glanced at the Facebook page, with the glaring option to “Deactivate” staring me down….another D-word came to mind. DRAMA. I’ve realized that, in the midst of this self-exploration (and * not so * quarter-life crisis season of life)…I have grown an appendage. I now have two “faces” in my life. One physical, which (apparently) can be read like a book (often causing embarrassment to no end, and not to mention making me a complete liability at the poker table!), and the other, an inanimate, glamorously glittering movie-star status mugg…a countenance I can best only describe as an “online airport” of sorts (people-watching to no end)…pun intended~
Now, I don’t know about you, but I was taught in grade school (mostly out in the schoolyard….during recess…from much bigger/ older children…by a soaking wet swirlie…a wedgie…a swift kick in the pants…or a pride-stinging slap) that being two-faced was NOT something desirable. Hence, my dilemma. What to do with this new limb?
Is it something that can only be survived by completely severing its presence? I tried this…and was left feeling legless…disconnected from my body…limping along. The “amputation” left me feeling as if I was lagging behind my peers. Worried that I would be disqualified from the race because I was not registered as an “official” runner…with a number on my back...or was that an official page? (I digress.)
I had to come away….and yes, it is extreme, this deactivation. But sometimes I find it necessary..because then it allows me to extremely delve into WHAT it was in the first place giving me the idea that I needed a break….WHAT was so overwhelming to me? With facebook, there are so many things I could pinpoint. Do not get me wrong…I find it neither evil nor good as an entity unto itself. It just “is.” Much of Facebook’s power, I am realizing, lies in what it becomes (or is allowed to become).
It can become the black hole…a vortex of swirling, mixed messages coming at us from all angles…offering many things, yet most of which come up empty. Since this is a blog with which I have promised to use myself as the main fodder…I will only speak for myself (no judgments or projections upon anyone but this 00something). What began to bother me most was that I found myself coming home each day, and the very first thing I checked was my page. I would rush to the notifications and the messages, the little child inside begging the question…*who loves me?* and *someone message me some small encouragement, telling me it is all going to be okay…assuring me that I am going to be okay!*
For one inanimate object (my little trusty laptop) to have so much power (real or created) is no longer acceptable to me. For me to be (either) validated—or completely deflated….based on the mere presence (or absence) of a tiny little red flag at the top of a blinking *bleepin’ * screen, is self-defeating and masochistic. I need to no longer run home asking the question: “Who loves me?” and "Will I be okay?" but rather carry around with me always the answer: I love me...and I am better than okay.
So, now for the hard part…working on that answer….everyday…more and more.
Activate.
3 comments:
I was wondering about that. This is the same thing that we all feel - some of us check it more often than when we just get to our computers in that it rings our phones anytime anyone might leave a comment, like, or hey on our walls (consequently, I can't stand all the alerts so I just turn it all off and that bothers me so much more than my need to check my page).
It's a great insight that you write about. I wonder if I check my FB page because I want to see who's going to validate and acknowledge my existence. Honestly, I probably check my blog stats way more than I check my Facebook status. Nonetheless, what a great insight.
I will add this - you don't just have 2 faces, but 4, according to jo and hari anyway. The public face - the hidden or private face - the face that everyone but you sees - and then the unknown one. I think all the blogging and writing and facebook presence helps us to bring into conscious space - that unknown version of who we are. As much as we want people to acknowledge us - we all deeply desire to be known - first to ourselves.
Your blog definitely demonstrates that journey - because let's face it, we're all on the same journey.
Thanks for writing and encouraging us. Wow, this was a long comment. I'm going to steal it and just post it on my blog as a post. Thanks.
Thanks for ALL of that Lem, you always have so much to add. Thanks for reading, and continuing to share and encourage...no matter how long the comment is, I am glad for it...and I know others benefit as well.
This is good. Very good.
Thank you for your honesty--with us, but mostly with yourself.
You can press "activate," but you are right--only YOU (not Facebook) have the power to choose what that ACTION will consist of, and what it won't.
Dr. P
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