Changing Room~

It has been one month now since I have returned home from what most have dubbed my “journey round the world”. It is an eerie feeling to return home after being gone…to purpose oneself towards reassimilation---towards reintegration into what is actually YOUR world. It feels strange. It feels surreal. And (of course, in any transitional process I seem to encounter of late) it feels SCARY.

I find myself pushing; rushing towards an idealistic return of yesterday’s sentiments, cherished friendships, and familiar feelings—when in reality, I wonder if I mightn’t just relax and receive a welcoming today? Yes, I know, I think too much….and I might also * perhaps * analyze things to death, or at least until there is no outwardly visible semblance of breath left within my imagination’s mind *it having been running wild all day most likely *. However, with thought comes contemplation….and, hopefully, such contemplation creates change.

Change. I shudder at the mere word. Shivers run down my spine at the thought of the unkown arriving at my doorstep—uninvited—unannounced—and most assuredly unfamiliar to my acquaintance. Most of my life, this is how I have viewed change. A scary, unwelcome visitor crashing in (uninvited I might add) upon my peaceful, domestic bliss—disrupting my everyday routine—and in doing so, rocking my little boat as it was merrily rowing along life’s (predictable) dreaminess.

Since I have been home, and have found it to be (although not necessarily tangibly changed) different than what I had maybe expected to see, feel, and even “be”—I am attempting to approach this whole idea of change with (if not a warm, fuzzy welcome) at least a reception not including a necklace of garlic, or a silver crucifix.

I came home early. I had had enough of world traveling and foreign seeking. It is good to be home. I do not desire to be anywhere else in the world but here. Yet, in my heart, there is something I cannot quite place. A feeling. Not regret, no, definitely not that. Not quite resignation (for I am too happy to be here for that description to hold true).

Restlessness? Ah, yes. That must be it. Restless with home? No. Restless with myself? My life? My circumstances? –A startling, first-time-ever answer of “NOPE!” shocks even me to utter—but no. I know it to be a restlessness WITHIN the change. DURING the change. Minutes, to days, to weeks, to one month now….of transition. Today, as each day before, I am pursuing the peace within the process.

Most days, like today, this peace finds me--holds my shaking hands, and quiets my quivering heart.

Other days, it seems to shun me, and I am left feeling cold, unsteady and unsure.

Every day, I know I will be a part of this process whether I like it or not…so today (as I pray each day to come) I choose to engage…to face forward…to stand rather than cower…and to trust…understanding as I do now, that peace is not always palpable~

Soooo Fired~

I have not written in a few days. I had not thought much about this fact until I was reminded by a friend (in love, of course), that I had better get with the program and become consistent in my postings, as it is: “technically my job come April.” I have been contemplating this turn of events, the fact that I am, in essence, supporting myself solely through my writing this year—making me an actual, “writer” of sorts. This title makes me laugh, and simultaneously overwhelms the bejesus out of me. Therefore, I am officially announcing my resignation…no…I am taking it one step further and am absolutely firing myself, termination effective immediately!

I have decided, however, that I would be willing to accept a lesser position, as “field researcher” and “fact gatherer” for an elite and special task force, who operates under the mantle: “Ponopeople.” My first reaction when I was approached with working with this underground group was that surely there was someone better qualified for the job than myself. Yet, those who have been involved with this mission from the ground up assure me that they have weighed the costs and handpicked me precisely due to the fact that I am such an unlikely candidate. No one would ever suspect that I work for this operation and am familiar with its inner-workings. Think about it…a mere civilian…unassuming and boringly average.

Uncanny...how illogical it seems that I am to be trusted with such a fantastic mission…therefore making perfect sense. This mission: * which I have chosen to accept * : to go into the world, seeking out ponopeople across the globe, and writing their stories…I will keep a log of my own thoughts as I go through the rigorous training involved… revealing the many lessons I am sure to learn along the way…recording and storing every bit of data I come across, in hopes of returning to homebase with a wealth of information with which the Ponopeople can collectively use to their advantage in their greater mission: Finding that fine balance of Goodness, Rightness, and Life~

If you are receiving a copy of this memo, you have been deemed as a vital and integral member of this mission: your name appearing on a top-secret list. I am counting on you to be my contact(s)…my inside links into the Ponopeople realm as I wander…my connection to the core. I have complete faith that you are also up to this task. And on we go. This memo will self destruct within 30 seconds…*and if it doesn’t, by some chance…rest assured that just means that it * ahem * must be written in that, um, new invisible “only-you-can-read-this-ink” that they have only recently just come up with *do you sense this is INCREDIBLE ink?* that so few people know about in the world…*

……30, 29, 28, 27….

E Komo Mai~

I am beginning this blog at the request/ suggestion of my mentor and surrogate mother. Best I can describe as to what I desire it to become is simply my own musings about everyday life. What I see through the eyes of a 27 year old Peter Pan who is constantly asking herself "What does it mean to grow up?" (And why do all the grown ups that I know seem so pissed off at life, ornery and disgruntled?)

I have been a gypsy of sorts since reaching the year of 18. I feel that the world is amazing and has so many things to see, people to meet, stories to hear. These restless feet have wandered all over, just seeking.....seeking truth, beauty, simplicity, and also seeking how not to seek and, rather, cultivating the art of letting myself "be."

I am a mess. A beautiful and complicated, silly mess of a woman-child. I like to think I am funny at times, seeing the world in my slightly askew way. I am healing. I am hoping. I am learning. I invite you to come along and dance with me. Make mistakes with me. Laugh at the insane situations I daily find myself in, and revel in the amazing thought that we share so much in common....even the little things...like laughing through pain, toe-thumbs, cabbage patch kid cheeks, crooked teeth, frizzy, afro hair, and the shared desire to burst into spontaneous song. (Yes, indeed) Nice to meet you. As we say in Hawaii....E Komo Mai~