Home for the Holidays~

Holidays.

The holiday season has always been a bit emotional for me. I am not sure if it is more the break in my normal routine, the sometimes hectic busyness of a full month’s worth of parties/ friends/ gatherings/ family, the build up of anticipation of that December 25^th day, travel and traffic, stampedes at the local shopping mall, or the inevitable fact that someone (at least one) that I love will most likely not make it home for the holidays.

This year, that “someone”—was me.

Not only did I not make it home for the holidays, but I was spending my December in a tropical setting…with friggin’ palm trees, not pines…surrounded by swimsuits versus snow. Not exactly the climate for all the Christmas spirit to easily ooze from every picturesque pore. Do not get me wrong, I will never complain about being able to swim in the ocean, or wear a sundress with barefeet in the middle of winter, but there is something you miss (that feels almost out of body experience) when those Christmas carols begin to play over the radio of your car, as the AC is cranked full blast.

The entire month, once I embraced the fact that getting back to my family in NC was entirely out of the question, I focused on not focusing on the dreaded December 25^th. ( I had looked several times at the ticket prices skyrocketing before my very eyes as the inevitable day approached….telling myself * maybe * I would just smoke the Visa and surprise my sisters and little elven nieces.) However, I finally came to the conclusion that ‘smoking’ was the understatement of the year…at these prices, ‘Incineration’ was more like it. * Sigh *

So. Now. What?

My boyfriend, I could tell, was already worrying…although he is not by nature a worrying type at all, I know him well enough by now to see the telltale signs of unease that rarely registers in his physique. The furrowed brow, the watchful eye from afar (taking me in—measuring if and when a call to the local mental institution will be necessary, perhaps?), the ready and open arms—poised for the plethora of hugs that were no doubt needed (and mercifully supplied) as the season slowly slinked onward. Growing up in the islands, he had never really had the wintry wonderland (nor the Southern sweetness of home and over the top holiday hutzpah) Christmas experience in order to go through the withdrawal symptoms that I seemed to be suffering from. But I could tell he sympathized, albeit in a “Oh-my- gosh,-WTF-is-WRONG-with-her-and-is-she-gonna-snap-out-of-it-soon?!?!?” kind of a way.

The beautiful man even got to the point where he offered to send me home himself…a true gift and sacrifice…although the incineration of his plasticware was no more appealing to me either. Nope…it was decided we would just make the best of it…but how?

If any of you know me, you know I am one stubborn, hard-headed little sassafras (and proud of it!). So I figured all I needed to do, was decide and determine to be happy this holiday. That worked for, oh, I dunno—a day? And then that d**n radio dial would land on a Christmas carol that would knock me (and all of my self-assured optimism) flat on my a**! Back to square one…I realized I needed an entirely new and different plan of attack…and yes, it really was that way in my mind…a battle for my sanity---and to save Christmas from the depression monster, by gosh!

Plan B:

· I LET GO: of traditions, of memories I was clinging to—trying to recapture.

· I RELEASED: the frustration of feeling “stuck here” (in Paradise, no doubt---geez, andy beth)

· I GOT OVER: my expectations of how this Christmas thing “should be”—and over MYSELF.

· I DETERMINED: to embrace all that is GOOD, HERE AND NOW.

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It is December 26^th. And, miraculously, I was able to get home to spend yesterday with family. And no, it was not in NC…it was a house filled with surfers and pixies…seekers and so(ul)journers just like me…sisters and brothers who have chosen one another willingly…and for this reason, are connected in a deep and inexplicable bond---we CHOSE one another. We, living on this island out in the middle of the Pacific, far away from all we know as home and the comforts connected with it, seem to have realized that we need one another— and we cling to each other—lift one another up—rescue one another daily—a cohesive collection of crazy beach bums who have built a makeshift life raft in the midst of this ocean.

I swam in the sea. I built a SANDman. I wore my favorite sundress, and painted my bare toes a glittering red and gold. Christmas met me here and now….at home.

Thankfulness in Every Language~

Temiz I come away from your presence cleansed; to you who have forged the path of purity, and graciously bid me walk alongside...*I thank you*~

Emin I rest in your presence without reserve; to you who have welcomed me into the peace and safety of your sanctuary...*I thank you*~

Sade I shed the weight that has long been a burden; to you who have shown me the freedom in simplicity…*I thank you*~

Eser I am rendered speechless, grasping for words as I stand before you; to you who are a creation beyond compare…*I thank you*~

Keyif I dance before you, mind untwisted; heart untied—a freestyle flow in which my body coincides; to you who have ushered me into this deliciously rowdy rejoicing of life… *I thank you*~

Kolay I remember vaguely my life before—cluttered and wracked with worry; to you who have simply swept the “stuff” aside…*I thank you*~

Uyanmak I spent my life sleeping to dream of tomorrows—hopes deferred in my todays; to you who have awakened me anew…*I thank you*~

Rahat I stepped into life with you like a pair of worn-in Levi 501’s; it was a perfect fit. To you who clothes me in comfort and grace…*I thank you*~

Evet I stopped doubting myself and began to believe. To you who exchanged my no of “reality” for the yes of possibility….*I thank you*~

Doymak I discovered the deceptive difference between “need” and “want”; the sweet recognition of satiety. To you who whispers softly, “It is enough”…*I thank you*~

Ekim I witnessed the blessed harvest; to you who planted and sowed with such love and patience; who toiled tirelessly over the barren wasteland that was myself…*I thank you*~

Renkli I re-painted my skies with the rainbow of promise; to you who brought color, igniting my world…*I thank you*~

Isik I emerged from the darkness, opening my eyes to seek; to you who were a source of light…*I thank you*~

Mutlukluk “I took a deep breath and listened to the old bray of my heart.” Quoting a poetess and embracing the words she breathed—I found happiness. To you who take delight in the truth: “I am, I am, I am”….*I thank you*~

TESEKKUR EDERIM, Turkey…I am a woman most grateful~

Divine Chance~

It was a blind date, neither of us knowing quite what to expect from the other. Yet, you did not seem nervous or ill at ease. In fact, it was your quiet confidence; your humble assurance, that attracted me instantly.

You met me at the airport gate. Without one word you had my bags; relieving me of the cumbersome weight I had been carrying. You apologized in broken English for your lack of communication…not realizing all the while, that from the second you smiled, we’ve been speaking the same language. You gently took my hand in yours; I let you lead.

We spent that first night together. I was surprised at how safe I felt, so soon. It is not like me at all. You were kind and vulnerable with me. You showed no fear or hesitation. Patiently pursuing me, you opened yourself up for me to discover…inviting me in…allowing me to know every inch of you. I find you irresistible. Your nakedness is beautiful to me. Spellbound, I cannot look away.

Because you gave all of yourself so freely…without fear…without reservation…unconditionally---you freed me to offer myself. I felt wanted…as I was…here…now. I felt beautiful. I felt flawless. I felt I belonged. I felt held. We fit together perfectly. The gentle pressure of your hips was not an oppression, nor controlling pulse—but rather our bodies and souls aligning in rhythm; dancing to a tune tangible to us alone. As I opened myself, you met me. Together we found our flow…poetry personified.

The morning after I did not have to worry…you were still there with me. A palpable peace—your presence beside me. I never had to tell you I needed my mornings to start softly. You wordlessly held me close, leaving me to gently greet the day my own way—in the peace and stillness of sunrise. You waited; I reveled in its radiance.

When it is time (and you always just seem to know when that is exactly) you bring me coffee—bold and black…just how I like it. Breakfast is simple (most of the things we share are)…made from good things from this good earth. Our bodies are nurtured; our souls, sustained.

Turkey, I am glad we took the risk...I look forward to this season of LIFE with you~

Tears of Recognition~

I cried today.

I cried not when I awoke thousands of miles from home.

I cried not when my bare feet (so used to the Hawaiian warmth) hit the cold, marble floor.

I cried not when my greeting to the flat’s concierge faded into the air unmet.

I cried not when the front door opened to a decibel of howling wind that only dogs, or perhaps bats could intelligibly decipher.

I cried not when the taxicab blared its horn at my apparent inadequacy in crossing the road in a timely manner.

I cried not when the waitress at the restaurant refused to serve me, as I could not order in “proper Spanish.”

I cried not when the next waiter barely met my eye, as I seem to serve only in being an unwanted nuisance here...damn tourist.

I cried not when the "toast" I ordered really turned out to be something with ham and a yellowish sauce of sorts…on top of um, bread (I think).

I cried not when I left the café starving, too proud to return the unknown something in order to get what I really wanted.

I cried not when I, on my morning run, passed by the fellowjoggers, who I realized sadly were not my “fellow” anythings.

I cried not when my legs began to burn, my exhausted physical body beginning to slowly match the state of my weary heart and emotions.

I cried not when I stopped to watch the sea, my lungs seering in pain…protesting angrily at the pace I had pushed upon them.

Old man, off to my right. I catch a glimpse of you. Small in stature you appear to be….yet after my morning…you are menacing. Dare I meet your gaze…and risk my soft, thin skin being bruised yet again? I turn, despite my better judgment. I see you. You offer me not a smile….not even a full look in the eye…but you tip your hat to me—a slight nod of your head….recognition that I AM.

I cried today.