~Nana Bean~

I'm gonna miss you, Nana---
 miss calling you up for conversation

 miss your words of wisdom, those priceless tidbits,

 life lessons-- tinged with your sweet, Southern twang.

Who else is going to offer me my "Eye-talian" dressing with my salad?

Or ask for my fiancee "Beeeah-Jaaaay" to speak with on the tele?

Who will be there to applaud my greatest triumphs?

And pray with me--

stay with me--

in my deepest defeats?

I will miss your hands the most

I can still see them if I close my eyes--

capable, warm, open always--

offering love and kindness--

and readily accepting all that life had to bestow--

good and bad--

with a grateful heart and faith forged in the fire of daily doing, and breathing, and being

beautiful~

I love you Nana Bean.

You are the light, the love and the laughter that laid my foundation...that breathed love and grace and peace over my life.

You will be missed. 

You are loved~

~Fabric of A Family~

-->

Once silk,

soft upon my skin,

the color purple,

like royalty

dyed.

A cohesive quilt,

designed.

With deft fingers,

spun in skill,

The fabric of my family.

Arms,

Extended to their limits,

Fingertips,

reaching for the remnants

curled around this olive branch

holding onto hope

holding out for healing.

This schism

senseless.

Now the sun smiles,

its shadows cast.

don't say it sweetly,

rather speak plainly.

salt in the wound doesn't scare me.

Like Thomas,

I would touch and see

to believe.

That what is said exists.

We are.

He is.

I am.

Family.

Or Can be.

For words are wondrous beings

chameleons changing color

adapting

blending as best they can

for survival they shift

they are scared.

And even now,

I refuse to be the fig,

I will not wither on this vine,

And though the desert is dry,

There are still streams of water to be found~

~Shining Ruby~

I recently had the privilege to watch the film Ruby Sparks.

I won't say much about the film plot itself, or even what I felt I learned through watching it (I like to leave everyone to take what they will of their own accord from all books and movies rather than my subjective version of it).

The entire film took me on a journey...one far better than a round-the-world-traipsing-through-endless field-of-sunflowers-and-lilies-kind of a trip. But rather, a slow, steady climb through an (unexpected) cloud-filled, shadowy skyscape.

Hey! I thought, at first, as the plot trudged on....this isn't what I thought it would be. Yet (yes, one of my favorite hopeful little words) YET, as the film progressed....or perhaps what some would say--spiraled into a darker place than your run-of-the-mill Hollywood RomCom---I saw the cloud clusters riddling that sky begin to take shape....

Shapes I recognized....swirly and curly---of Dr Seuss dimensions....I KNEW these figures like the back of my hand. I willingly walked and climbed along the cloud-filled corridors of this script. Watching would seem like a trainwreck of two people---recklessly running down the tracks towards a tunnel with who knows what on the other side---somehow didn't scare me as I let it all sink in.

And the scene...THE SCENE...the culmination of all of my unspoken words and prayers and cries in the dark of night (of every soul's at one point in time I would imagine)....splayed its shattered glasshouse dialogue across the screen.

Repetitive...rising...building...manic madness---an audiovisual mirror--it unraveled...revealing the underbelly of consciousness.  And, as "You're a Genius!" "You're a Genius!" "You're a Genius!" arced and swelled---shrieking across the screen--its shrill siren scream silenced my soul...stilling every breath and thought as I waited.

It was real.

It was raw.

It was unable to be boxed in...the unruly, untidy awareness.

Questions swirl--

about identity...

about love...

about what that loaded, four-letter word truly means.

In a world where that particular four-letter word is flung wildly about--a penny to a wishing well--I beg of God, of myself, that I would be a Ruby that shines~

Pregnant.

Pregnant.

Can it be?

That's what they all tell me.

The professionals, I mean.

Yes, there it is....right in front of me.

I see the signs...positive.

All the instructions I have read.

No error would there be.

It must be so.

There is no denying you.

You are here.

Inside me.

How I love you already....my tiny bird.

Greens and roughage from my garden will I feed you.

Songs of joy will I sing...resonating in my womb,

Lullaby lyrics.

whose banner over you is love.

I wonder what you will look like.

Will you have my spirit and heart? My tiny feet set to constant motion?

Maybe your Daddy's truth and wisdom? His hands so capable and sure?

I wonder if you could possibly be as good as they say you will be.

Enough to change my life in an instant...

Will you recognize me?

May I truly call you mine? All mine?

I long for it,

the day you will arrive

fully formed

divine

alive,

and well.

I see me in you.

You are beautiful.

You.

are perfect.

I shall name you promise.

 

Affirmations Afforded...May I Be a Good Wife~

I want to frame you
and hang you on a wall--a sense of permanence.
I'm staying in this place.
I'm unpacking my bags.
I want to adorn you
with affirmations and kisses,
with time and all my attention.
To dress you
every morning in red and purple joy,
emblems of love and badges of adoration.
To send you on your way
to work, lunch packed, with contentment and
fulfillment.
A feast of happy thoughts in the middle of your day.
I want to tuck you in
wrapped in blankets of warmth and reassurance.
Rest your head on the peace of finding what you've
always sought.
I want to fold you
like my favorite skirt, carefully, slowly, delicately,
so the wrinkles and creases of pain are all pressed out.
I want to put you on
like my makeup, wear you all day, shimmering,
shining--
bright colors that make you happy, feel beautiful, and self-confident.
Unwrap you,
like a surprise on no day in particular, out of the blue,
rip you apart to view what I'm seeing
for the first time, but always wanted.
I want to hold you,
like a kitten, rescued from the side of a busy road,
ignored when he was crying out, but held, finally, by
a host of loving arms--my soul.
I want to brew you
like my coffee, warm, strong, how I start my day
jolting my senses, waking me up,
hot in my mouth, lasting in my breath.
I wan to read you,
like a memoir, my favorite genre.
I can't put you down.
I highlight you, dog ear you, scuff-up the cover with love,
taking you everywhere I go.
I want to sing you.
My favorite song, always in my mind and on my lips
summoned up without hesitation, memorized, played
loudly and danced to often.
I want to pray you.
A petition, a promise, fervent and faithful,
whispered under my breath, but heard by the only
ears needed to be heard by.
I want to create you,
like the eighth day: "then there was you"--
out of thin air, or maybe evolved, a mystery, but
complete--and tangible.
I want you as you were.
I want you as you are.
I want you as you will be.

Oh Happy Day~

Birth, and re-birth, are beautiful things. *Celebrating today~

Beyonce Knows Best....

~In marriage there are no manners to keep up, and beneath the wildest accusations no real criticism. Each is familiar with that ancient child in the other who may erupt again. We are not ridiculous to ourselves. We are ageless. That is the luxury of the wedding ring~

~Multiplied~

This morning was like any other morning. Hopping in the car and taking my most loved drive by the ocean to grab a cup of joe. It was pre-dawn and I was racing the sunrise along the shores of this island I love so well. Chirping at my side was a text from my favorite person in the world, and as I drove on to meet him I was aware of the magnitude of His blessings.

Turning the volume up to full blast as the soundtrack of my best friend Kristen’s mixed CD made its musical round, I gave thanks again for the people who love this mess of a fairy-woman-child. And, there, just as Bjork was bustin’ out the best of her lyrical truths, I saw them.

Bright blue they flashed. Strobes of syncopated streaks signaling danger ahead. The universally recognized electric currents of caution chilled my spine, sending waves of foreboding and fear along its now rigid frame.

As I slowed to stop at the officer directing me to the side of the road, I rolled down my window, whispering a silent prayer to the heavens of what I did not even know.  The officer was soft spoken and kind, and as I raised my eyes to meet his own averted ones, I knew it must be bad.

He asked me where I was headed…I answered just a few short miles down the road…and truly I was so close to my destination I could almost see it. He shared that I had just missed a fatal car crash, and that it was going to be at least five hours before the wreckage was cleared and the one road that I was on that connected the sides of the island together would again be re-opened for use. He gave me the option of parking my car and walking to my destination—it seemed the only thing to do.

The gentle officer urgently instructed me that I would need to go right by the wreckage and that it was not something a young woman should ever see. I shuddered at the thought of what sights this man had been subjected to in his many years of public service…shielding those like me who would have been too weak to wield the burden of such real images emblazoned upon their brains and soft spirits. I thanked God for this man, and for those like him who stand in the gap for us.

I parked, took a deep breath, and stepped outside of the safe shell of my vehicle. As I began walking the brilliant blue beams and the shrill screams of the siren’s wails rocked me to the core. Stumbling along the bank of the beach, keeping my eyes trained on the undulating ocean’s waves, I put one foot in front of the other and passed through—all the while the pulse of my pounding heart a palpable percussion of panic and frenetic thoughts. Sadly I wondered who would wake up this morning having lost a mother, brother or sister, and again---I thanked God for the blessings in my life….and like the miracle of the loaves of bread and few small fish, they multiplied in an instant.

~Summit Supplication~

I hiked to the tip top of my mountain today.

Had alot on my mind.

Many things on my list.

Things I needed to ask Him.

Questions I wanted answered.

Gifts I sought.

Wisdom I felt was being withheld.

Blessings I intended on begging.

Each step on the ascent added yet another inquiry of my heart...

I felt like that child that all adults grow to both love and loathe with my endless: Who? What? When? Where? WHY? and HOWs?

And as I reached the summit, I readied myself to pray.

Inhaled to catch my breath and steady my stream of thought...prepared to launch into my list of wants and needs.

I opened my mouth and moved my lips...and as I looked down into the Valley I call home...that list diminished one by one.

A whispered "Thank You" sent into the sky...soon became a shout--high into the heavens....of gratitude, joy, light and love...of frustration, sadness, pain and worry wound tightly together...an all-encompassing awareness.

~THANK YOU~

Over the Edge and Back~

"...by bringing myself over the edge and back, I discovered a passion to live my days fully, a conviction that will sustain me like sweet water on the periodically barren plain of our short lives."-- Jonathan Waterman

*Just finished climbing with two of the best friends a girl could ask for...tackling a mountain with this makeshift family of three--right in the middle of this magnificent ocean. And now that I am safe and sound descending from that summit...everything's reset~

Bring it on Monday, I am ready for you~