Quitter...

Anyone of you who communicates with me on a daily basis will already be aware of this tragedy, but for those who I am only privileged to share with in less frequent moments, I have a newsflash * insert dramatic pause for effect here *....(wait for it)....and.....(deep breath)....[___]...

***My computer officially (and rather passive aggressively, I might add!) gave me her resignation yesterday***.

I am nonplussed * and not to mention quite a bit perturbed--hurt, even. * Basically a seastorm of emotional waves rockin' this bosslady's world right about now. My therapist (okay, maybe it was more like something I heard Stuart Smalley say once on SNL...) suggested that I write a letter to my recent "employee" voicing my feelings...in hopes that I may arrive at some small semblance of peace and closure concerning this travesty. So, here is said attempt (bear with me, as it is still in its rough draft stages...)

Mrs. Computer,

I consider myself to be a fairly reasonable employer. I am grateful for all of the things/ work that you have aided with, and supported me in accomplishing over the years. I do believe I have expressed this gratitude on several occasions in fact. I even distinctly am remembering some hand clapping and happy dancing occurrences *I would say that was enthusiastic thankfulness for sure *.

True, I understand how working without one single paycheck, in well over two years, could have had an impact on your decision. However, I still have to admit that your just up and quitting with no notice, nor even a verbal acknowledgment of the gaping void you would be leaving behind in your wake, I find to be grossly unprofessional.

That being said (and speaking *ahem* of unprofessionalism) I do see that I may have contributed in a few, small, very minor, areas to the development of your recent unhappiness in my employ. For these I would now like to apologize (as my therapist..*coughs*...okay! okay! again, it was from SNL Stuart one night when I couldn't sleep, but still!)...he said it was "a good and lovely thing to do" as long as I keep repeating the entire time to myself a personal "me mantra"..."I am me, and I am OKAY!* )....too much information? Okay....*throat clears* ...ooooohh-kayy.....back to the point....

My apologies for:

1) Being the incredible hotness that I am. [I am sorry, but I cannot leave unnoticed that you were turned on by me almost every single time I would come into the room. Really, I mean, you just lit up. Now, I would be lying if I said I do not carry you with me everywhere and always, but, alas, I am in a relationship you know...and I am very sorry if I sent you the wrong signals with all the time we spent together...mea culpa~

2) (As mentioned above), the no pay. Yeah, about that...would you reconsider if I could offer free travel, a five-star resort stay, and the best company known to man? (Do think on that...)

3) The onslaught of incoherent mumbling, frequent crying, occasional cursing, and yes, even that one *cough* (or two?) isolated instance(s) of yelling. (I thought you understood that came with the territory in this business...)

4) And finally (and this I am realizing may have really pushed you over the edge), I apologize for stripping down and getting completely naked in front of you every single time I sat down at my desk to work. Which, just now, strikes me that this behavior could seem to some (who of course, are not aware of our particular line of work) as being mildly awkward and inappropriate...

*The List Goes On....*

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Friends, this is as far as I have gotten with the letter. I, for some reason * and I can't quite put my finger on it * am not entirely sure that I am quite communicating * exactly * what I mean to say here...