~Shining Ruby~

I recently had the privilege to watch the film Ruby Sparks.

I won't say much about the film plot itself, or even what I felt I learned through watching it (I like to leave everyone to take what they will of their own accord from all books and movies rather than my subjective version of it).

The entire film took me on a journey...one far better than a round-the-world-traipsing-through-endless field-of-sunflowers-and-lilies-kind of a trip. But rather, a slow, steady climb through an (unexpected) cloud-filled, shadowy skyscape.

Hey! I thought, at first, as the plot trudged on....this isn't what I thought it would be. Yet (yes, one of my favorite hopeful little words) YET, as the film progressed....or perhaps what some would say--spiraled into a darker place than your run-of-the-mill Hollywood RomCom---I saw the cloud clusters riddling that sky begin to take shape....

Shapes I recognized....swirly and curly---of Dr Seuss dimensions....I KNEW these figures like the back of my hand. I willingly walked and climbed along the cloud-filled corridors of this script. Watching would seem like a trainwreck of two people---recklessly running down the tracks towards a tunnel with who knows what on the other side---somehow didn't scare me as I let it all sink in.

And the scene...THE SCENE...the culmination of all of my unspoken words and prayers and cries in the dark of night (of every soul's at one point in time I would imagine)....splayed its shattered glasshouse dialogue across the screen.

Repetitive...rising...building...manic madness---an audiovisual mirror--it unraveled...revealing the underbelly of consciousness.  And, as "You're a Genius!" "You're a Genius!" "You're a Genius!" arced and swelled---shrieking across the screen--its shrill siren scream silenced my soul...stilling every breath and thought as I waited.

It was real.

It was raw.

It was unable to be boxed in...the unruly, untidy awareness.

Questions swirl--

about identity...

about love...

about what that loaded, four-letter word truly means.

In a world where that particular four-letter word is flung wildly about--a penny to a wishing well--I beg of God, of myself, that I would be a Ruby that shines~

Pregnant.

Pregnant.

Can it be?

That's what they all tell me.

The professionals, I mean.

Yes, there it is....right in front of me.

I see the signs...positive.

All the instructions I have read.

No error would there be.

It must be so.

There is no denying you.

You are here.

Inside me.

How I love you already....my tiny bird.

Greens and roughage from my garden will I feed you.

Songs of joy will I sing...resonating in my womb,

Lullaby lyrics.

whose banner over you is love.

I wonder what you will look like.

Will you have my spirit and heart? My tiny feet set to constant motion?

Maybe your Daddy's truth and wisdom? His hands so capable and sure?

I wonder if you could possibly be as good as they say you will be.

Enough to change my life in an instant...

Will you recognize me?

May I truly call you mine? All mine?

I long for it,

the day you will arrive

fully formed

divine

alive,

and well.

I see me in you.

You are beautiful.

You.

are perfect.

I shall name you promise.

 

Affirmations Afforded...May I Be a Good Wife~

I want to frame you
and hang you on a wall--a sense of permanence.
I'm staying in this place.
I'm unpacking my bags.
I want to adorn you
with affirmations and kisses,
with time and all my attention.
To dress you
every morning in red and purple joy,
emblems of love and badges of adoration.
To send you on your way
to work, lunch packed, with contentment and
fulfillment.
A feast of happy thoughts in the middle of your day.
I want to tuck you in
wrapped in blankets of warmth and reassurance.
Rest your head on the peace of finding what you've
always sought.
I want to fold you
like my favorite skirt, carefully, slowly, delicately,
so the wrinkles and creases of pain are all pressed out.
I want to put you on
like my makeup, wear you all day, shimmering,
shining--
bright colors that make you happy, feel beautiful, and self-confident.
Unwrap you,
like a surprise on no day in particular, out of the blue,
rip you apart to view what I'm seeing
for the first time, but always wanted.
I want to hold you,
like a kitten, rescued from the side of a busy road,
ignored when he was crying out, but held, finally, by
a host of loving arms--my soul.
I want to brew you
like my coffee, warm, strong, how I start my day
jolting my senses, waking me up,
hot in my mouth, lasting in my breath.
I wan to read you,
like a memoir, my favorite genre.
I can't put you down.
I highlight you, dog ear you, scuff-up the cover with love,
taking you everywhere I go.
I want to sing you.
My favorite song, always in my mind and on my lips
summoned up without hesitation, memorized, played
loudly and danced to often.
I want to pray you.
A petition, a promise, fervent and faithful,
whispered under my breath, but heard by the only
ears needed to be heard by.
I want to create you,
like the eighth day: "then there was you"--
out of thin air, or maybe evolved, a mystery, but
complete--and tangible.
I want you as you were.
I want you as you are.
I want you as you will be.

Oh Happy Day~

Birth, and re-birth, are beautiful things. *Celebrating today~